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Author Topic: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall  (Read 124 times)

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DelenatheWanderer

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The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« on: September 29, 2017, 04:32:38 PM »

This is a fanfiction that I is currently in the works. This is the beginning of Chapter 1. Please let me know if you enjoy it! I will put up a synopsis soon. Enjoy!

Chapter 1

Delena watched the waves lap up on the side of the boat. It echoed dully on the hollow hull. From her perch on the mast, she could see the rest of the crew moving about on the deck below. The mouse took a cracker out of her pocket and began to munch; she had nicked it from the kitchens.
   “Oi!”
   She groaned and looked down. Another mouse was down there, her face facing upward. Delena smiled fondly.
   “What ‘tis it, Aliki?” she called down. Aliki called back, her voice wreathed with excitement.
   “Land, Delena! Land!”
* * *
   Haliot hurried through the courtyard, his green novice habit shuffling slightly. Two very large notebooks were clutched in his paws, a look of excitement on his face. When he reached the Abby Library, He burst in excitedly, not bothering to knock. He slammed the books down on a table by the entrance.
   “That’s it!” he announced proudly. “The last bit of the stories for the Dibbun’s special celebration!”
Recorder Forkum was sleeping in an alcove not far off from the door. He was startled awake by Haliot’s shout. The old dormouse’s spectacles slid down his snout as he sat up.
   “Haliot, Haliot,” he muttered to himself, “how many times have I told you not to wake me up?”
   Forkum shuffled over to the table that Haliot was standing by.
   “I finally finished!” he grinned. As Forkum gave him an exasperated look, the younger mouse’s snout drooped. “I -I woke you up again, didn’t I?”
   Forkum nodded. Haliot grinned sheepishly, then looked out the window. Suddenly, his eyes widened and the color drained from his face.
   “What is it, Haliot?” the older mouse asked quizzically. Haliot reddened.
“Er- well, it’s nothing, I just realized… I promised that I would help the Friar with setting out lunch, in repayment for breaking his favorite skillet, and, er, it’s already lunchtime!” he said quickly. Turning on his heel, the mouse hurried out again, calling over his shoulder, “I’ll l try and save a bit for you, if I can. Skipper just brought word that Ffermello and crew are on their way; he spotted them coming up the path from the south. You know how much that hare can scoff!”
Several crows set flight from the windowsill as Forkum laughed loudly, startling them from their perch.

* * *
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The Skarzs

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Re: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2017, 05:28:55 PM »

I like it so far. I do wonder what the conflict is, though. (It's always something that is good to introduce in the first chapter.)
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DelenatheWanderer

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Re: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2017, 05:43:50 PM »

Thanks for the advice. I'll incorporate it more as I continue to work on it. Glad to know you like it!
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Re: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2017, 06:51:48 PM »

I like it! But I do agree with Skarzs. Introducing a villain or some conflict will definitely grab your readers attention so you can hook them in the first chapter. I look forward to seeing more!
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DelenatheWanderer

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Re: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2017, 09:40:18 PM »

Here it is! The perhaps you have been wondering what the story is about? Well, here you are...

Redwall Abby has always been a place of peace, standing strong through the ages. No attack or betrayal could shake its continual spirit. But corruption comes from the most surprising places…

Far away, on the distant Western shore sits Salamandastron, a beacon of truth, hope and justice – or is it? Because something is brewing, and it is not for the better.

It is up to the Lily Patrol, a ragtag group of actors, along with friends they meet along the way, to save Mossflower, or sentence it to eternal chaos.

So, step back into the world of Redwall, on a quest full of adventure, battles, singing, and mouthwatering food!

This is not just a tale. It is a tale - of Redwal!
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Captain Tammo

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Re: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2017, 12:24:57 AM »

First, I really like your first chapter! I don't necessarily think conflict has to be introduced in chapter 1. And I think this ties into your story's (very nicely written) summary you just posted: it looks like the conflict will come from within something. So maybe you're just presenting us with something now that we won't recognize as a clue to something bad until later in the story? A bit of foreshadowing of sorts possibly??
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DelenatheWanderer

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Re: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2017, 01:46:29 AM »

I've finished and revised the first chapter, so it has a bit more to it. Hope y'all like it!

Chapter 1

Haliot hurried through the courtyard, his green novice habit shuffling slightly. Two very large notebooks were clutched in his paws, a look of excitement on his face. When he reached the Abby Library, He burst in excitedly, not bothering to knock. He slammed the books down on a table by the entrance.
   “That’s it!” he announced proudly. “The last bit of the stories for the Dibbun’s special celebration!”
Recorder Forkum was sleeping in an alcove not far off from the door. He was startled awake by Haliot’s shout. The old dormouse’s spectacles slid down his snout as he sat up.
   “Haliot, Haliot,” he muttered to himself, “how many times have I told you not to wake me up?”
   Forkum shuffled over to the table that Haliot was standing by.
   “I finally finished!” he grinned. As Forkum gave him an exasperated look, the younger mouse’s snout drooped. “I -I woke you up again, didn’t I?”
   Forkum nodded. Haliot grinned sheepishly, then looked out the window. Suddenly, his eyes widened and the color drained from his face.
   “What is it, Haliot?” the older mouse asked quizzically. Haliot reddened.
“Er- well, it’s nothing, I just realized… I promised that I would help the Friar with setting out lunch, in repayment for breaking his favorite skillet, and, er, it’s already lunchtime!” he said quickly. Turning on his heel, the mouse hurried out again, calling over his shoulder, “I’ll l try and save a bit for you, if I can. Skipper just brought word that Ffermello and crew are on their way; he spotted them coming up the path from the south. You know how much that hare can scoff!”
Several crows took flight as Forkum laughed, startling them from their perch.
* * *
Oh, past the bloomin’ battle,
and through the bally storm,
we soldiers march on homeward,
to a table well adorned.
There are pies and puddings aplenty,
some trifle, cordial, too,
a bit of roasted pike to finish,
plenty for me n’ you!
So, though we look like vermin,
Flippin’ scruffy and the like,
To Redwall we’re a-traveling,
To be welcomed home tonighhhhhhhht!

Around a bend in the road came a hare, dressed in an outrageously colored outfit, playing a small flute and singing with gusto. Behind him came a large cart, being pulled by a female badger. In the cart sat a squirrel, an otter, a ferret, a rat, and walking behind them, a wildcat and another otter. It was a strange group, one that often got double takes from others who saw them. However, it was clear to anyone that the hare was the leader.
“That’s nice,” said the otter in the cart, a young female, “d’you think ye can add a part about a brave young otter lass who needs an extra share of vittles to heal ‘er war wounds?”
“Nae, Streampetal, ye need to put in a wee little verse about a braw ol’ squirrel chap who needs some woodland trifle, eh?” the squirrel grinned.
The small party continued down the road, unaware of the eyes that watched them.

* * *

   Wyteless. True, it was a strange name, but he was a strange creature. The hare was battle scarred, his mind twisted by its own experience. He was brilliant as he was dangerous.
   Cradenza the fox hurried into camp, panting heavily. A tall rat wearing a captain’s cloak held up a paw.
   “Where are you off to in such a hurry, eh?”
   “Report… Ffermello… Redwall…” the fox gasped, struggling to remain standing. The rat dragged him back up, his eyes wide.
   “Shh! Not so loud.” He whispered. “Are you sure that’s wot they said, mate?”
   “Aye, cap’n Curslic, that’s what they said, Sah.”
   “Well, what is you waitin’ for? Go n’ make your report!”
   On another side of the camp, Wyteless sat in his tent. He controlled a fighting force of fifty; perhaps not a lot in context, but as assassins, they were masters. Many of the strongest fighters had fallen when facing his force. Joining him was his mate, Memla, and their son, Ruvsca.
   Cradenza stumbled into the tent, coming swiftly to attention as the three hares looked his way.
   “What is it?” Wyteless asked, giving the fox a contemptuous glance.
   “Sah, I have news of your brother!” Cradenza stated swiftly.
   Memla stood up so fast that it looked like she had sat on a spear.
   “Where is he?” she screeched shrilly. It took every ounce of strength that Cradenza had not to cover his ears.
   “On his way to Redwall. He – he has a crew of creatures with him; they don’t look like-”
He cut off as a candle holder came crashing to the floor with a resounding “Clang!”. Memla had knocked it over in her temper. Cradenza wasn’t sure what to do. Everyone knew that Memla had something against Ffermello, though what it was, no one knew.
“Calm down, m’dear!” Wyteless exclaimed. Memla sat down huffily. “When will they be arriving at the Abby? Speak up now, before my wife destroys the entire camp!”
“Sometime this afternoon, Sah!”
The warlord remained quiet. Cradenza was about to dare to suggest that they might send out an ambush party, when Ruvsca spoke.
“Father, might I suggest that you send word to the Lady? If we sent a messenger, they could also check that Swarn is continually performing his duties as directed; for though the rest of the mountain is already in our control, we would not want her to – for want of a better word - remember.  That would mean disaster.”
“Yes son, that is true.” Wyteless nodded slowly. “Cradenza!” he barked suddenly, making the fox jump, “Whip up a group of four, give em’ enough rations for a long march. Tell them they’re to go to the mountain, check in on Swarn, and bring back a score of fighters with them. To your surprise, no doubt, the inkling of a plan is forming in my head.”
“Sir?”
Wyteless snorted. “Do not think I don’t know what my band says about me; ‘hare for a leader, wots this?’ and ‘e ain’t got no brains, that ‘un.’ Anyhow go on, get it done.”
The fox stood still for a moment, still in shock. “Well?” Memla yelled, “step on it!”
Cradenza scurried out of the tent on all fours, eager to get away from the temperamental hare.

* * *
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The Skarzs

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Re: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2017, 02:19:42 AM »

Ooh, nice. Looking forward to reading more.

How long have you been writing?
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DelenatheWanderer

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Re: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2017, 07:38:12 PM »

I've been writing since I was about five (not that it was any good), but the only formal training I've had was two years of writing lessons for school. I wouldn't call myself amazing, I just like to write a bunch of fanfiction. As you can probably tell, I'm not super organized or professional about it.  ::)
I'm very glad to hear your looking forward to the rest!
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Re: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2017, 08:21:51 PM »

This is nice! :P  º-) :laugh: O0[so good!]
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Re: The Lily Patrol: A Tale of Redwall
« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2017, 08:35:25 PM »

She used the afro.......... ;D ;D
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