News:

We're doing a read-along of the Redwall series! The current book is The Sable Quean!

Main Menu

The Lay of the Ottermaid

Started by Wylder Treejumper, April 17, 2016, 12:25:50 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Wylder Treejumper

Here's an epic poem I started writing some time ago; I thought it be interesting to release it- well, parts of it, anyways. I'll continue writing the story in ballad form, and releasing it as I finish.

Lay of the Ottermaid

Isabelle the ottermaid
Picked flowers by the sea,
The Lily and the Marigold,
The delicate Pansy,

For that day she would come of age,
Within that very hour,
And for the celebration then,
She chose her favorite flowers

When she looked up, to her surprise
She saw a ship that rested
Upon the sand down on the shore
Near by the waves that crested

She lay her flowers down and ran
And climbed aboard the ship,
And all around the tokens lay
Of its fateful final trip

The hull was stoved, the rudder snapped,
The mast was broke in two
And on the deck no vestige lay
Of the fated former crew

As Isabelle began to leave
She heard a quiet groan,
From underneath the ship's main deck
Came somebeast's painéd moan

So Isabelle climbed down below,
And soon she found the source,
A grievous wounded otterlad
Who'd groaned 'till he was hoarse

Then Isabelle did bring him home
And laid him in her bed,
She pulled her blanket o'er him,
Laid her pillow 'neath his head

She cleansed his wounds and bandaged them,
She toiled hard and long,
And while she nursed and cared for him,
She sang her favorite song

Coram woke late in the morn
Unto her serenade
But knew not from that day he'd lose
His heart to th'ottermaid

Weak as he was from countless days
Spent tossed upon the seas,
He tried, but failed, to stand alone
And fell upon his knees

Isabelle then raised him up,
With gentle paw and look,
And from the moment their eyes met,
Coram's heart she took.

*****
"'Tis the business of small minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death."
-Thomas Paine

"Integrity and firmness is all I can promise; these, be the voyage long or short, shall never forsake me although I may be deserted by all men."
-George Washington

Courage: Not only the willingness to die manfully, but also the determination to live decently.

Banya

This gave me goosebumps, and that doesn't happen often.  It's beautiful, Wylder!
   

The Skarzs

Oh, very well composed, Wylder!
Cave of Skarzs

Cave potato.

Ashleg


Gonff the Mousethief

Wylder! That was amazing! It was captivating, flowing, and just a wonderful read. Great job!
I want the world of Tolkien,
The message of Lewis;
The adventure of Jacques,
And the heart of Milne.
But I want the originality of me.



Skyblade

Nice poem, and I hope you post more!

Thanks, MatthiasMan, for the avatar!

Lady Amber

This is great, Wylder! I hope to see more soon!

Cornflower MM

Quote from: Banya on April 17, 2016, 01:12:52 AM
This gave me goosebumps, and that doesn't happen often.  It's beautiful, Wylder!

^^ Can't say it any better than that!!

Captain Tammo

"Cowards die a thousand times, a warrior only dies once. The spirits of all you have slain are watching you, Vilu Daskar, and they will rest in peace now that your time has come. You must die as you have lived, a coward to the last!" -Luke the warrior

The Skarzs

I just wanted to resurface this, because it's an incredible poem.
Cave of Skarzs

Cave potato.

Lady Amber

Any chance you'll be updating this soon, Wylder?

Wylder Treejumper

Ah, I'd forgotten about this! Actually, I have different parts of it already written; but the story needs to be finished for them to be unified and released- I'm missing several large chunks of story. I'll work on it!

No promises about how soon I can get it out, though- my time tends to be quite limited.
"'Tis the business of small minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death."
-Thomas Paine

"Integrity and firmness is all I can promise; these, be the voyage long or short, shall never forsake me although I may be deserted by all men."
-George Washington

Courage: Not only the willingness to die manfully, but also the determination to live decently.

Dannflower Reguba

       Well, I know I'm late to the party, but this was very well done (and I know how tricky it can be to write poetry, so that's not token appreciation).

QuoteAs Isabelle began to leave
She heard a quiet groan,
From underneath the ship's main deck
Came somebeast's painéd moan

       Personally, I would change, "pained," to, "painful." It flows a bit better in light of the poem, even if it might seem mildly strange in grammar context.

QuoteShe cleansed his wounds and bandaged them,
She toiled long and hard,
And while she nursed and cared for him,
She sang her favorite song

       This one was bugging me a bit the second and fourth line finishers clash really hard (messing with flow, serving as an unwanted distraction). If you flip, "long and hard," it might feel a teensy bit strange saying the phrase backwards compared to the way it's normally said, but it's totally worth the line finishers not clashing with each other.

She cleansed his wounds and bandaged them,
She toiled hard and long,
And while she nursed and cared for him,
She sang her favorite song

       Aside from those rather minor critiques, I loved it! Really hope to read some more.  :)
"Remember, sometimes is best to be like boomerang and come back." ~ Griffen

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. ~ Oscar Wilde

Mistakes can make you grow - That doesn't mean you're friends. ~NF - Remember This

Wylder Treejumper

I don't know if you caught this, but the accented "e" in "painéd" changes the pronunciation from monosyllabic to disyllabic (from payn'd to payn-ed). That resolves the flow problem; "painful" doesn't work in context anyways.

As for your second suggestion, it was originally as you suggested, but somehow it got mixed up when I typed it up. Good catch- I'll fix it right away.

Thanks for all the feedback, guys!
"'Tis the business of small minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death."
-Thomas Paine

"Integrity and firmness is all I can promise; these, be the voyage long or short, shall never forsake me although I may be deserted by all men."
-George Washington

Courage: Not only the willingness to die manfully, but also the determination to live decently.

Lady Ashenwyte

The fastest way to a man's heart- Or anyone's, in fact- Is to tear a hole through their chest.

Indeed. You are as ancient as the soot that choked Pompeii into oblivion, though not quite as uncaring. - Rusvul

Just a butterfly struggling through my chrysalis.